I’ve pretty much never felt like I belonged. I always thought I should apologize for who I am because I’m not normal, not good enough and I should change.
I’ve never wanted the same things as others. I was good at languages and bad a maths and sciences. Everybody was the other way round. I’ve never drunk nor smoked. Everybody from my town had been drunk at least once by the age of 14 (sad…). I wanted to move far and abroad. Everybody wanted to stay in the area. I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 15 (well i turned 16 the next month), when everybody has had at least a few boyfriends/girlfriends. I am a homebody when everybody love(d) to party and go out, get together…
But I don’t really feel like this now. I’ve grown to acknowledge who I am, understand it better and accept it. It’s fine that I am different, because what I want and like to do makes me happy and that’s all that matters. I don’t have to be the same as others if it’s not what makes me feel good, motivates me, inspires me, empowers me. I don’t always feel like that, of course I have my bad moments but I am getting there.
A couple weeks ago, for my sister’s birthday as we were not doing much, my parents suggested going to a pub that had opened and which was, as he put it “very casual and convivial”. My sister and I were tired but decided to make the effort to go. After 5 minutes, we were so bored and I had seen way to many people who were with me in middle school and high school for my liking. I could not believe they still lived in this small town (some were still in work clothes so they weren’t visiting like me) but thought “well, if that’s what makes them happy”.
But when an old post-graduate classmate came up to me and basically spent the next 30 minutes trying to convince me of how much she’d grown, how amazing her life is and how happy she is I just thought “if you are really happy, why do you have to tell me and argue?”. My sister sat next to us and I could see her roll her eyes from the corner of my eye. After we went home we talked about it and she felt the same way. You don’t have to brag about something you are truly sure of, and if you have to repeat “arguments” several times, then it’s not true. This girl had always been like that, trying to persuade everyone that she is so loves who she is and her life, but when you have to explain for 30 minutes about how great your life is, are you really sure you are really?
I guess everybody has their struggle, and it takes time to overcome them and accept who you are. I just wish we would actually talk about it and not try to be perfect. The amount of people I thought had it together, were so perfect and then realized they were only human and of course also had flaws is pretty long. That’s why it infuriates me when I meet someone and they babble on about their so-called amazing life but never mention their struggles. It’s okay, to have some, it’s just the norm. So acknowledge them and share them, I’m pretty sure it will make other people feel better about themselves.
It took me time to realize that I am who I am for a reason, because it makes me happy and not others. I shouldn’t have to change the fact that I am a homebody for example, it genuinely makes me happy to sit on the couch watching Stranger Things or Modern Family. I no longer pretend to be different to please other people, so if you do, please stop. New rule: if it doesn’t make you happy in the long run and feels like a total chore to please others, don’t do it. Be who you deeply are and do what makes you feel like you.
I hope this wasn’t too ramble-y and I actually got my point across, I’m not sure I have but in the hope it makes a bit of sense, maybe it has helped you or confirmed something.