“I’ve had naysayers my whole life” and they are in my head. Judging me.
You know how they say that talking to someone helps you realize things? Well, I think it’s true. I would say I’m a talker in the first place, I like exchanging and sharing with people, but it also helps me figure things out.
I was talking with a friend the other day, that kind of deep talk about ourselves and things we do we know we shouldn’t and as I was talking, I realized that everything I do wrong happens in my head.
I am a perfectionist, in the bad sense of the word of course, not the “oh, yeah I like to read-profs things twice before I send it, I’m a perfectionist”. No, I’m talking about the kind where what I do is never enough, a success is never good enough and whatever I do, I could have done better.
I’m also someone who doesn’t think very highly of herself. I have very low self-esteem and struggle to feel confident about anything. My body, my degrees, my life, my actions, etc…
When I was talking to my friend, I realized that the whole problem came from how I talk to myself. I don’t mean talking out loud, I mean this quiet beliefs that goes through my brain about feeling inferior to someone, about silently comparing the way my body looks next to someone, how small I feel and must look in a crowd, how someone is better than me because of their achievement or their behavior (because of course, if you act confident people will think you got your sh**t together and must be smart).
This unspoken inner monologue, putting me down, comparing myself, making me feel inferior, why do I do that to myself? Why do I always try to scale myself on how inferior I feel compared to someone and act accordingly, why do every time I see my body in a mirror, reflection or on a photo do I judge every centimeter of my body and automatically compare it with others’, why can’t I ever understand why someone could love me or like me, and why do I always get the feeling that I do things wrong all the time?
Ever since this conversation I’ve caught myself doing it and am trying very hard to stop and instead, see my positives aspects. But it’s very hard, after 20+ years of doing so. It feels weird, cocky to try to feel good about myself in a society where everyone always points out flaws.
But I’m going to do my best to achieve that. It’s a new goal. To not let this inner voice judge myself and dictate my worth. To try to take a step back, out of my body, if you will, and try to see myself through other people’s eyes. Because when you start to let people know how you think they see you, it turns out you are most likely, very wrong.