I’m definitely one of those people who need to voice their feelings to realize stuff. I was having a little chat with a colleague yesterday and was surprised by how I have changed in the past year and what I’ve learned. Whenever I hear someone saying they wish they could go back to a certain age I really don’t feel this need. Because I have learned so much each year, I have evolved and figured stuff out so no, please keep me growing!
Mid-2018 to mid-2019 (well, today) has been a major learning curve for me. I did my last internship, ended over my master’s dissertation, applied for job, got a job and had to deal with serious problems in my private life. I can really pinpoint each lesson that each year taught me since I turned 20, and last year was no different. You know when you look at your past self through memories and can list what has changed about you? That’s where I’m at. And I’m not even talking about the 10 inches of hair I progressively got cut off since.
Blogging has always been some form of therapy for me. It’s the way I can express my feelings, emotions and process things. I’m quite the talker when you know me well, but writing is very therapeutic for me. It’s my quiet time to evaluate and accept.
I really don’t mean this in a harsh way. I actually mentioned this talking with my colleague yesterday about how when things go wrong or their is a problem with someone else, we always feel like it’s linked to us. I think I mentioned this before but I struggle with overthinking. Whether it’s a conversation I had 10 hours ago during which I regret saying something and wonder what the person thought of me, questioning a task I’ve done, doubting my abilities over a decision I’ve made and thinking everything will go wrong. I always feel like it’s partly my fault in a way.
But not everything is about me. Sometimes, someone will not appreciate something about me, act a certain way or not be happy about a work I’ve done but it has nothing to do with me. It probably has more to do with their standard, unhapiness, how they do or view things that my little person. I now know better when to reassess myself, and when to let it go.
In the past year, I have fully realized how much I should trust my gut when meeting someone. It has never been wrong so far. It’s even a little scary when I meet someone and feel off about them before really getting to know them. But it’s that look in their eye, you know, the way to their soul that gives it away for me. Actions only confirm it – always positively.
I have never been one to have a buckload of friends. I’m quite picky and prefer to have a few ones I can be myself around and trust their opinion. In the past year, it has been even clearer to me. It’s not about the quantity, it’s about the quality. The ones who matter are the people who will be there when something is wrong, when you are not fine. It’s the ones who, no matter for how long you don’t see them, will always act the same when you reunite. The ones who will put your needs before theirs when you deeply need it. It’s the ones with whom you can talk about deep topics that matter to you and absolutely trust their point of view or answers. These are the people I need in my life.
Bummer, right? I think the more I grow into the person I want to be and get to know myself, the more I realize that not everything is black or white. There are variations of grey and though I already knew that, I got to learn through experiences that the life events we go through really impacts us and can explain a lot. It’s all a question of perspective and putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes. It doesn’t mean agreeing with how everyone behaves or does, it’s more about accepting and letting go.
“When I’ll be… I’ll …” is a sentence that came up often. “When I’ll be more confident I’ll start posting pictures of me online”, “When I’ll be thinner I’ll be more confident to start a Youtube channel”, “When I’ll have done this and this and this I’ll be able to…”. It’s such a restricting thing to do and really stopped me from doing many things. Instead, I’ve learned to accept myself and do more of what scares me. By stopping to wait for all the stars and moons to align, I’ve taken off this invisible vail of fear and doubt and allowed myself to feel them instead of preventing myself from feeling them. Comfort is the enemy of success. Waiting is not doing.
This was a scary realization. I’m still quite uncertain and doubtful but I cannot wait any longer. One of my biggest fears is that I’ll never find a job that makes me happy. I just don’t want to dread Mondays, wait for 5p.m. and weekends all my life. I don’t mind working a lot as long as I’m enjoying what I’m doing. There are no perfect-job-without-any-inconvenience-and-it’s-all-roses-and-rainbows-everyday. Nope. But I still want to be happy of what I do and that’s not my life right now. I am beyond scared that it’s not going to work out, but I can’t wait anymore to see whether it will or not.