I knew September was going to be a weird month for me. But I didn’t know how much it could impact me, in a good way and in a not so good way. As I’ve said previously in a post, September has always been a month of new things: new degree, new city, new classmates, new flat, new surroundings,… But this year, the usual changes didn’t happen, but new ones took place in my life. I feel like this month has dragged on forever if I’m honest, firstly because I could not wait for the heat to leave room for Autumn, but also because nothing’s happened when so much has happened at the same time internally.
I’ve never liked oral presentations, ever. The idea of talking in front of a group of people whether as part of a group, or *shudder* alone, makes me feel very apprehensive. I feel judged, like I’m not performing well enough and uncomfortable in my body. So knowing for a year that I’d have to do an oral defense after my internship, by myself (I know it’s part of the evaluation, but still), in front of people literally judging my work and performance, for up to an hour didn’t make me feel too good. So when the end of August rolled on and I had to prepare for it, I tried my best to do everything by the book to feel at ease. I prepared in advance, I rehearsed it several times and prepared mentally. Thankfully, the people attending the presentation were one of my teachers who had been really helpful and positive, my tutor who was very supportive and three of my colleagues who had been incredibly supportive, helpful and overall amazing throughout my internship. I knew that it was the perfect jury and so I tried to not think of my work as something to be judged, but rather something that could help.
It went on really well and I ended up getting a really good grade for it. I’m a perfectionist through and through, I judge myself constantly as not good enough and doing well enough but this experience helped me to gain a bit more confidence in the fact that I could do good just by myself. I always credited other people for my successes but this was all me. It felt weird, it felt good. Why don’t I think more like that?
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that I suffer from anxiety and that working out is a big part of my weekly “feel good” routine. I started last October and didn’t stop since.
As I went back to my parents over the summer (parents who cook for/with you? a cute dog? a witty sister? a new pool? of course I was going back) it meant not being able to go to the gym for a month. However, the classes were off for the month of August so I knew that I wasn’t missing much. My dad was nice enough that when I mentioned ordering workout equipment in July to keep exercicing at home during my month off, he offered to get it for me as an early birthday present.
The first week was a bit of a failure because we were in London for four days, then too sore from walking and standing all throughout the trip. The next week was better, my sister and I worked out together twice and I did a yoga session as my third workout. The third week was a bit weaker because my thesis and the heat (35°C doesn’t make you want to sweat any more than you already are) and the last one wasn’t so great, I worked out twice but wasn’t moving enough.
So when I came back to the gym the first week of September… I knew that it was going to be a bit challenging. Now on my 4th week back, I can feel that I’m on track to being back at the level I was at the end of July (of which I was quite proud). Thankfully I quite enjoy it so I’m able to push through the pain but my goodness when she says that we are going to do a series of lunges I still wimp a little… I hate lunges.
It’s been too month now since my job interview and I
still have no answer . I called a couple weeks ago and they were still interviewing people. I applied to a few more jobs but the deadline was not long ago so I’m still waiting to hear from them.(I got an answer literally a few minutes after writing this and got rejected, but I think it’s for the best). Others I’ve applied to more recently and I’m still waiting to hear from them.
I’m not going to lie, it’s been hard. Some days I’m fine, and so happy to be at home. I actually love being alone at home all day, blogging away, editing photos, and of course watching movies that I’ve been meaning to watch for months if not years. I structure my day to workout in the morning or to blog, then in the afternoon I either blog and then watch a movie or watch a movie and read. It’s grand. After two decades (whoa) in the academic system, I have nothing to do school-related. It’s so good.
But waiting for an answer is eating me up a bit. I really try to maintain a positive mindset over this. I believe that all things happen for a reason and that if they don’t, it’s because it wasn’t meant to. But this is really challenging me. I feel worthless, goal-less and especially money-less. I feel like I’m not contributing and that’s not easy. Thankfully, where I’ve done my previous internship has hired me to do a few hours per week working for them and it’s good, I get a little money from it and I’m still in a working environment. I’m trying not to think to much as well…
I’ve never been really comfortable in our previous apartments. I felt really anxious and uncomfortable, especially when I was alone. The one we had before we moved last April was the first one I was okay in, but the constant noises from the 8 neighbors around us above, on the sides and downstairs made me a bit jumpy and anxious.
This apartment is a new beginning for me. I’m totally comfortable here on my own and I’m so relieved. I was afraid I’d never be comfortable somewhere other than my parents’ house but it turns out I can be! We have the best view, the apartment has a lot of natural light, no upstairs neighbors and the downstair neighbor we can’t hear. It’s large and it’s finally our furniture. Though it needs a good refreshing of the floors, kitchen and bathroom, and we still need to buy a fair bit of furniture, I feel good here. And that’s such a relief! After years of being full of anxiety, dread that someone would knock at the door (still feels me with dread sometimes), uncomfortable in my own home and prone to panic attacks, I’m finally good here.
I guess September has been more of a learning month for me, about me and life itself as in no girl, you cannot control everything around you no matter how hard you try or want to. Some days I can manage, others not as much. That’s life I guess.